things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
