I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
