we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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