dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
