omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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