You made me cry and you don't even care
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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