I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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