the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
