glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
