You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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