My hand turned me down
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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