I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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