Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
