she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm having to shit out rocks
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
