what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
