just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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