see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
