What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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