Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
