i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
