i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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