oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
