how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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