Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
