So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
