I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
