my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
