This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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