I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
