i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
