You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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