I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
