totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
