it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
