Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Your penis caused this!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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