he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
