omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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