Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
