can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
