Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
