My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
