Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
