Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
