he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You ruined the universe
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
