i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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