went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
