When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
