My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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