If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I did not marry a roomba.
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