Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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