My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
